Saying Goodbye...

There are two types of death, one is caused tragically and the other one gives you time to prepare for your loved one’s final departure from this physical life.  I must say that my experience with death has been one of the latter.  I was 13 years old –in fact it was right after my 13^th birthday when my grandfather passed away.   He was in the hospital, and I would go and visit him at the hospital, often taking him for rides outside for some fresh air in his wheelchair.  But little did I know then, that those days would be shortened as his final demise was soon approaching.  As a child, it was difficult for me to comprehend exactly what was going on – all I knew was that everyone was extremely sad, and I was sad because he was no longer alive.   Death was a teacher to me at a young age.   It came to me at the prime of life – and it taught me the impermanence of life and how life does go on even after the beloved is physically away from you.   There was one thing that it also taught me:  that this was part of life that was inevitable and that things should never be left unsaid –in other words have no regrets in life. 

Today I write this many years later as a mother, daughter and granddaughter, as I am from a distance witnessing the unfolding of my grandmothers’ departure from this physical world.  My grandmother lives in India.   I am fortunate to have known both my grandmothers as a child and into adulthood.   But today, I must say good bye without being physically present with her.    As my sister said, it is a strange feeling to be part of this process across several continents.  And I am grateful for technology that gives us the opportunity to say good bye, to send our messages, to get updates so that we can all be part of the process.   

It pains me with deep sorrow that I am not physically there with her.  It hurts to know that I will never see her again.  But more than that, feeling sad that her body is withering and shutting down.  This is a woman who is strong – and that is an understatement.   There is a quote I love, that says “ you never know how strong a woman is until you put her in hot water.” That is what “meme” is.   Her spirit has been transported down to all her grand children –and that is one of a child, one of curiosity, one of devotion, one of generosity, one of stubbornness, one of determination and will power, and one of a firm foundation in tradition and one’s roots.   Till this day, her words still ring in my ear in French to me “ Tu veux la famille or la vie, choisir maintenant.” – translated – do you want family or life/friends, fun/etc – choose now.   And I can hear her laugh.  Oh, How I love to see her laugh.   She has taught us the meaning of family – and hospitality.  Birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, you name it – she has been part of them danced at them, sang at them and even arranged some of them!  Wisdom who knows no bounds-giving us advice that is practical, concrete and solid.  This is a woman who has lived.  She has lived to see her children get married, most of her grandchildren get married, and been witnessed to even meeting her own great grandchildren.   So why should I be sad when she has lived fully.  I should be celebrating the life she lived and praying for her peaceful and pain free departure.  Why should I be sad, when she will be free of suffering from this physical body- that is weighing her down and preventing her from being free.? 

The sadness comes because as human beings we form attachments and we relate according to our attachments- so to lose that attachment means losing apart of ourself.   Yet, when we begin to come to terms with this process of dying we realize that we are one – there is no separation.  But it takes time to get to that process.  And I must say, that it is different with each person you lose. 

Rarely do any of us think about death until it actually hits us.   But the fact is that we must all prepare for that.   It doesn’t mean that we live a life of morbidity, but more that we begin to prepare ourselves that when the 11^th hour is here, we should not have regrets, and we should have been able to say what we needed to say and have forgiven.   It is so difficult to let go.  We want to hold on so tightly to those we love and yet we know that it is for their highest good that we must say goodbye.  Saying goodbye to them and saying to them that it is okay to let go is equally important because it gives them permission to continue on their journey.   And just as it is difficult for us to say good bye it is as difficult for them to leave us.  I have seen, witnessed and believe that the dying will not leave until the ones they are leaving behind have come to terms.  At other times, it is unfinished business or a long lasting wish that they still need fulfilled.   Whenever her time will be, will be -she is slowly in her own way preparing each of us to come to terms with her passing and when her job is done, she will fly away like a butterfly.  

I have lost many family members in my life till date.   With each member passing, there has been a vital lesson to learn.  With each member passing, I have learned to cherish life deeper and make the most of this life I am living.  With each member passing, I remind myself daily that I am not immune from dying myself and that I must also prepare for that day.  With each member passing, I am reminded about quality of life issues and what is important for me if I were to get critically ill.  With each member passing, I am reminded of what is truly important in life- and that is love.  With each member passing, I must live a life fully just like my “meme’ did.  I thank her for her inspiration, and I thank her for life.  As she said to us : Bonne Dieu Donne bonne Chance & Guru Amardas!   God Always be with you and give you luck!