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Friday, July 10, 2015

Hope and Trust

Giving up is easy. Holding on and pushing till you reach your goal or till you get things done is harder. It is easy to give up and become depressed, feel lethargic, become anxious and let things stay the way they are because you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. But if we give up, then what becomes of the life that has been gifted to us? it become futile. We become like a listless rock not moving and just stagnant.  We must find that hope or voice inside us when we are in those moments to not give up. 

As some of you know and have read my journey over the last four months with recuperating from a broken ankle, the one thing that has kept me going was me not giving up. It is called hope.  And it was hope that has helped reach to this point. It could have been very easy for me to sink into deep depression being at home on a futon not in my bedroom, unemployed and just be down in the dumps. But i chose otherwise. I decided to look at this situation as something that occured because i am meant to learn something from it. Not in a punishment sort of way, but more as something that would be good for my soul.  It pushed me to explore hope and find meaning in hope. And in finding meaning in hope, i learned to live with my ankle, become friends with the situation rather than curse it, and allow fear to work through me. Fear was high at every stage.  From the very beginning when I was not allowed to put any weight on my ankle to figuring out how to perform daily activity skills. At every stage i came to,i soon found that there was a challenge, but to every challenge  there was a solution .

I simply had to list it and be conscious of the challenge rather than obsess over it or project all my fear and worries on it. And once I was aware of it, i found that i was able to find a solution. I was able to think and create solutions that worked for me. 

When i thought that i may lose my job, i was gifted with working when i was more mobile. I started working and went to work on a knee scooter.  It is actually quite funny, because  Every body in the building knows me because of the scooter-and just as i became a witness to my recovery, the people in the elevator would also remark at the difference in my recovery. Nowadays when I walk into the building with just my boot, and i am greeted by someone in my building on the elevator, the same joy and thrill on my face that i could do this exists in them.  They cheer me and it is a wonderful feeling.  I began with a scooter, and then i progressed to driving, and then i progressed to crutches and then to full weight bearing with a walking boot. Each step expanded my parameters.

I remember the first day I was on my two feet with the crutches, -the first thing i wanted to do was go into a bakery and grab myself a croissant - such independence on my own two feet and it felt liberating.  and then again, i uttered a word of gratitude for what i used to have and took for granted and for now which is being able to be independent in a limited way.  Then i could do stairs - and that took me upstairs to my bedroom and my space after four months. It felt good to be back in my space, in my bed, and be able to walk into my closet and choose what i wanted to wear rather than live out of a suitcase. Another word of gratitude for having made it yet to this further step. 
I almost have begun to view this process from a third person almost watching myself got through each step rather than be in it.  it helps address potential anxiety or doubts that creep up that could prevent me from moving forward. 

But the one thing i have learned through this process -that no matter how bad things are, no matter how bad things can be - things always work out - maybe not in the way we imagine, but they do work out. Everything works out the way it is supposed to be -we just have to play our part right and move through the process.  There is something called Detachment -and it doesn't mean to be free of emotion or to be free of feelings - it is a process where we begin to view our situation or circumstances without being attached to the consequence - and by doing that we learn to move or dance through it rather than be in it..There is no resentment or anger to the situation.  There is acceptance.   And then there is support from the universe.  The doors begin to open for you.  It is this process that eventually does make everything work out as it is supposed to be.  And it is because of two words;  HOPE AND TRUST.

Journal Prompt:  I hope and trust that..........
(write for five minutes non stop)