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Wednesday, April 5, 2017

What if?

I recently turned 45.  That sounds old to me and yet it doesn't. It sounds old because I remember as a kid when I heard that someone was 45 years old, I would look at them as an "aunty." But I don't feel 45 in my head - what is that supposed to feel like anyway?

I look at where I am at this age and I feel blessed and grateful to have lived this far.  Not many get to make it past their 40th birthday.  Just recently I heard of someone who had end stage breast cancer at 39 years old.  That scared me.  Because if death did come my way I would not be prepared. I would be begging death for a couple of more years till I am able to fulfill certain goals, so I can prepare my son and my family for the inevitable, for the time to be able to say good bye.  This is not supposed to be a morose post on dying nor am I writing this because there is something going on with me - I write this because every day I hear of someone who has passed away that is relatively young or my age group - i don't know who they are, but I hear that have left behind a child, a family member, and it is just a reminder of the impermanence of life.  I see and hear of the age of my parents and my grandparents that are passing and again another reminder of what is to come in old age and that death is a part of life.  

But yet we don't want to talk about it with each other - as just a conversation.  We feel that by talking about it it will bring up uncomfortable feelings.  Perhaps it will, and yes it is an uncomfortable topic. But imagine if you were able to have a discussion with your loved one about it, what would you want to say? What plans would you make? What issues would you focus more on?  What life style changes would you make so you have more quality?  It is an important conversation -because it allows us as humans to begin to think of what is truly important and not focus on the pettiness of every day life.  It also makes us value our time more - because we know that we will one day depart - and we may not know when - but because we do know that we do not live forever,  we will choose how we value our time, whom we want to spend more time with, and begin 'really living.'    
We go on day in and day out with our regular routine not waking up in the morning looking at it as a new day - and with fresh eyes.  If we woke up each day with fresh eyes our days would be different.  Our interactions with people would be different. Our conversations would be different.  But we forget and take for granted this beautiful privileged life we have been gifted.  I am not devoid of this and I guess I write this more as a reminder to myself more than anyone.  So yes, turning 45 was a milestone for me because it made me begin to think of another reality -that I know I don't really spend too much time thinking about - more so for myself.  

Journal Prompt:   If this was your last day how would you spend it?   Another journal prompt, have a writing conversation with Death - imagine you are writing out a dialogue with death.  This needs a full 20 minutes so make sure that you have uninterrupted time and also, make sure that you treat yourself to something special after writing - whether it be a walk, a swim, a massage, a dinner date, a pastry, but do something for yourself after that writing prompt.   

Happy Journaling! 

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